Ignore Your Instinct
by Ylime-Etak
Summary: Charlotte, Max, and Ava, three teens battling inner demons and deeply wrought problems that ended in attempts at suicide, are united at Aspen Springs. Sometimes, you have to act on your impulse, Sometimes, you have to ignore your insinct.
1. Ignore your Instinct

Sometimes, there is nothing

Else you can do.

Sometimes, in the lonely and dark

And endless nighttime, deadly thoughts

Creep in, leaving a trail of slime and

A bad taste in its

Wake.

Sometimes, when your body is

No longer yours

When Daddy's hands know

No boundaries on your (then)

Pre-pubescent skin, crawling quietly

Into your bed, the one with the faded

Pink sheets, covered in frail, twisting

Butterflies.

Sometimes when Mummy's long collapsed

Into a world of drug induced peace

Leaving a trail of scattered needles and

Long popped sleeves of pills

You seek solace in the only thing

You think that you can

And discover that sharp, shiny things biting

At clean bare flesh hurt a lot less

Than mummy's blatant abandonment.

Sometimes, your family chooses to ignore

Everything you say

Every sad thought, every melancholy word

Stacked neatly in a box and filed away,

Ignored.

Sometimes, at Christmas,

When the family is over

It feels better to not eat a scrap of food,

And when they make you,

Relinquish it all to a porcelain savior.

Sometimes, you have to ignore your instinct.

Tie the noose a little tighter,

Grip the razorblade a little firmer,

Push away the plate and ignore the chest pains.


	2. Charlotte

Its more peaceful than I could have ever

Imagined. Once the initial sting

Of the coarse rope circling

My neck vanished, it felt

Nice, swaying.

My vision blurred as I stared,

Stared, stared at my absurdly

Disembodied feet. That's funny,

I thought, through a haze of calm,

Those look like Daddy's shoes.

Children's lives are meant to be full of laughter

Smiles, cuddles, running through an icy

Sprinkler when it's a hot day, in the big

Green front yard, enclosed by a white

Picket fence.

I'm going to have to disappoint

You, and say that I had all of that.

The perfect little girl's life, packed

With Barbie dolls and fluffy

Pink pillows and fairy bread.

But I also had something

Else.

That no child should ever have.

Daddy's hands first saught me when I was five

Years old. He was pouring my favorite, pink

Strawberry scented bubble bath into

The already frothing tub as I splashed

Happily.

"More, Dad!"

"More? MORE, Lottie?", I remember him

saying in an over-dramatic, playfully shocked voice.

Memory cuts to him soaping my

Back, fingers running lightly over

My slightly protruding vertebrae.

And then his hands, slick with

Water, began seeking another place.

"Daddy?"

"Shh, Charlotte, darling. Shh"

He found me that day, not long after my

Seventeenth birthday,

Swinging softly from the rope,

Called the ambulance,

Held my hands as I sunk into a land

Of wailing sirens and creeping fingers,

"Lottie", he kept saying.

"Lottie"


	3. Max

**Authors Note: **A HUGE ENORMOUS THANKS AND HUGS TO ., maiya123,charlierulz95, everidleVernamis and rexa13!

Here is chapter three, I'm sorry about the wait guys! This introduces the second character, Max to you.

I hope it was worth the wait. Tell me if its not and I'll fix it :)

* * *

I was seven years old, bright

Brown curl hair, chubby rose

Colored cheeks and all,

A perfect fucking cherub boy,

Toss me in a toga and a set of golden

Wings and I'd be a goddamn renaissance

Painting.

I suppose that's what I really felt like,

A painting. An immobile, empty

Object. To be used and abused but

Mostly, ignored.

Seven years old, pulling at Mummy's

Slack, limp hand, pockmarked with the crusty

Sores that the drugs caused.

She used to be beautiful, cascading bronze ringlets,

Creamy skin. A few dusty memories of her cuddling

Me, filling my tiny nostrils with flowery perfume.

Before the drugs came waltzing in to carry

her away on a wave of self hatred.

I was seven years old, banging my head against

Drywall, because it felt good.

Nine years old, deliberately skinning

Knees and shins, not that she noticed.

Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, scavenging

The broken glass from the bin and scraping my fragile flesh

For a smear of brilliant vermilion spray.

But that was all before,

And this is now.

This is me, seventeen, extracting a sharp

Sleep blade out of its protective case.

Then letting 'er rip.

Drifting into a sudden, soft blackness where

The smell of filth and neglect

And drugs and dirty sex no longer

Perturbs me.

Leaning faintly against a wall in the alley, sharp

Bricks in my back,

But no longer sharp

Nothing sharp, I am soft, and warm,

I am falling.

Until a voice yells, "Are you okay??!",

And I see the face of a blonde girl peering down

At my pathetic form.

She looks like an angel.


	4. Ava

They all told me that she was evil

that everyime i glanced upon a mirror

she would skip, skip

skip ahead and paint her own nasty

images on there

distort me

twist me

deform me

warp me into an elephant

'lard ass', was her ever

Affectionate nick name for

Me

I remember the last days with my beloved

"Stay with me, don't worry about them, they're just lieing to you"

She would whisper reassuringly, her soft

warm arms encircling my waist

her slender white hands proffering

me the eternal yellow

measuring tape

a kind of egg yolk yellow

interrup[ted by markers of black

1 inch, 2 inch, 3 inch, 4

Guide my clumsy hands as i

tightened it around my abdomen

not bad, she'd say

but lets skip dinner again just in case

I loved her when she was like that, my beautiful true self

tall and thin

with hair to die for

she dragged the scales from the

cupboard when i grew too tired to

she'd helpfully push away the plate

and gently bring me to my knees

onto shining tiles

in front of a shining porcelain rim

I never wanted to make mummy cry

i never wanted to wind up in hospital when

my traiter heart made

the ultimate betrayal and gave

up

for a second

or more

I only ever wanted to be thin

I only ever wanted to be beautiful

Beautiful like Josephine.


	5. Charlotte 2

Why

They all asked

Hospital staff; chubby blonde nurses and

Stern doctors with disapproving frowns

Councilors that don't even really give

A flying fuck

And out of all of them, out of the garbage

Dump of Whyers, was

Him

"Lottie, darling, baby"

I lay quietly staring at the ceiling, counting

The scuffs on its surface and

Listening to the gentle hum of machines that circled

My limp form like vultures

Going in

For the kill.

Why, he asked

Was it my fault?

Of course not daddy, it's okay.


	6. Charlotte 3

**Authors Note:** Thanks so much for the great feedback everyone :) If you're into indie music,listen to New Slang - The Shins whilest reading this.

Despite Daddy's best efforts to

Morph me back into a meek and quiet

Girl child,

I became one of the sparkling girls.

Striding up the hall, hips swaying, nails, buffed

And shiny when caught in the light

That poured through the gaps between fingerprints

And stains on the tall high

School windows.

I slathered my shame in foundation

(Ivory, shade 05)

Erased my worry with eyeliner, smothered my

Fear in a thick layer of crimson gloss and

Attempted to make my squirming insides feel

Better, by boxing myself into society's

Bittsersweet idea of beauty.

So then, it must have been my

Fault

That he touched

Me.


	7. Max 2

Through the brilliant blanket of snow that was slowly coating

My bruised skin, a foot approached

And the another

And then two ankles, and knees, and then I saw her

Her mouth was moving but no noise came through

The parted lips (that revealed braces-straight teeth)

Shimmering blonde hairs hung in front of her face as she leant

Down, down, down, to the dirty pavement were I lay

A cellphone appeared, and I closed my eyes as she carried me softly into

Darkness.


	8. Ava 2

Planet Eating disorder is nothing,

Nothing like anyone imagines

"We teach young women to eat normally"

Mounds of mashed potatos, hunks of bread,

Mugs of milk

Dripping in calories and a sweet little voice

That whispers,

Eat me.

Noone ever listened when I told them that

I didn't eat food because

Food

Ate

Me

It had started simply enough I

Suppose, here a pound, there a pound

But eventually, everwere

A pound.

I cut back the food, and the voice

In my head cut back on the screams.

Seems a fair enough trade, doesn't it?


	9. Max 3

Authors Note: Thanks to everyone who has left a review! Feel free to tell me anything you think :) Listen to The first day of my life - Bright Eyes whilest reading this!

* * *

Josephine,

I found out later, was the

Angels named.

She was the one who called the ambulance

**Nine one one, how may I help you? (a stern but comforting,crisp voice)**

_Theres this boy, and hes on the ground I think hes dieing please help me_

**Im going to need you to remain calm and explain what hes doing ma'm**

_He's. .he keep going ion and out of conciousness and he. .hes got these empty bottles and im scared hes going to die (a little breathy, a little panicked)_

**Whats your current location ma'm?**

_Corner of 23__rd__ and 9th, in this. .alley thing (a bit uncertain of herself)_

**Now im going to keep you on the phone until the ambulance arrives.**

_Okay_

**Is this boy any relation to you?**

_No, no. . I just-_

**Ma'm?**

_I just found him (a hint of wonder)_

Like I'd fallen out of the sky, like I was the

Angel.

A fallen angel, for her to save

Sure, they took me to the hospital, I was told later

Pumped me, stitched me up with twine like

Some kind of fucking failed home economics

Project paper doll.

And then, lieing in bed staring out the grimy-ass window

And feeling oh so

Sorry

For myself, the butch bitch bulldog nurse

Barked at the door

"Visitor!"

And I looked up and there she was.


	10. Max 4

I feel SO abd for neglecting this for so long guys! Thankyou for sticking with me, Max, Charlotte, and Ava! This should answer your questions :) Remember Josephine?

* * *

"They told me where to find you. I hope you don't think Im some uber stalker or something"

A slighty smile, partially parted lips, eyes looking at me in

Ernest.

Sev

En

Ty

Thr

Ee letters,

Eighteen words,

Dance in my ears like whores at the Moulin rouge.

I stared in sheer amazement, as she extended

A pale hand and whispered,

"My name is Josephine,

Whats

Yours?"


	11. Ava 3

They kicked me out of the clinic for twig girls

My flailing limbs and the leaves falling from my head didnt stop them

From sending me to this new hell

Aspen Springs

Ass pen springs

Ha. This place brings out the fucking humour in me.

They told me i almost died,

Blamed me me me,

Asked why why why.

My four o clock appointment with doctor bitchface/Croft

Doctor Croft asks

Did you ever think how your family would feel?

What this would do to Josephine?

Of course, Josephine

Josephine josephine josephine

Stop being selfish Ava, and think of your twin.


End file.
